By Bryana Nguyen

When you think about spending quality time with others, what words come to mind? For some, they may be along the lines of “rejuvenating” or “fulfilling.” For others, maybe it’s more like “exhausting” or “uncomfortable.” The adjectives you would use probably also vary on multiple different factors, such as where you are and who you’re around. This variance often relates to a common social behavior: masking.

What is Social Masking?

Social masking involves suppressing, amplifying, or changing certain behaviors, emotional responses, or personality traits. Like chameleons or camouflage, the goal is to blend in. Although masking is often discussed in the context of neurodivergence, it is not exclusive to neurodivergent individuals.

What Does Masking Look Like?

For neurotypical individuals, masking is typically associated with social adaptation or etiquette. It may look like:

• Smiling and being polite while feeling tired, upset, or frustrated
• Adapting tone and behavior based on environment (e.g., work meetings vs. family gatherings)
• Nodding along to a story despite feeling uninterested

For neurodivergent individuals, masking may be associated with avoiding judgment, forming relationships, or generally following societal norms and expectations to feel safe. It may look like:

• Suppressing self-soothing/stimming behaviors (e.g., foot tapping, fidgeting, or pacing)
• Forcing eye contact, body language, and facial expressions
• Planning conversations ahead of time (e.g., writing/practicing a script before making a phone call to schedule a doctor’s appointment)
• Downplaying special interests or pretending to have more “acceptable” interests

The Impact of Masking

For neurotypical individuals, it can be relatively easy to “drop the act” with minimal emotional or cognitive impact. Because the purpose is usually to adapt to different social settings rather than suppress core personal characteristics, the adjustment often does not feel as significant.

Using masking as a survival strategy – as is often the case with neurodivergent individuals – can feel higher stakes and detrimentally exhausting. Masking in this way involves actively suppressing “unwanted” behaviors (like stimming/self-soothing) and mimicking more “acceptable” traits (like maintaining eye contact or following societal conversational norms). Masking may also mean managing sensory overload, which can lead to significant internal distress.

Because of this, long-term masking is a common contributor to neurodivergent burnout, which is characterized by severe emotional, cognitive, and physical exhaustion. Neurodivergent burnout leads to greater difficulties with emotional dysregulation, executive dysfunction, and a general loss of one’s sense-of-self. This type of burnout cannot simply be treated through sleep or a brief break from work – it requires long-term efforts to encourage nervous system rest by reducing external demands, accommodating for sensory needs, and unmasking.

How to Unmask

Although learning to unmask is a gradual process that requires intentional efforts, it can greatly improve one’s quality of life. Here are some important tools and considerations for allowing yourself to unmask:

1. Start With a Safe Space

Ask yourself:

• Where do I mask most often? Notice environments and situations in which you feel especially drained or disconnected.
• How do I know when I’m masking? Consider the behavioral changes you make in those environments (e.g., forcing facial expressions).

Next, think about situations and environments where you experience less pressure to mask – this may be alone or with your close support system. Experiment with limiting masking behaviors in those lower-risk environments.

2. Practice Smaller Changes

Rather than dropping the mask completely, consider shifting specific behaviors, such as reducing forced eye contact or allowing yourself to fidget or self-soothe. Here’s an example of what the gradual change process may look like:

• Giving yourself permission to fidget in large public spaces where others aren’t observing you, like the mall or a theme park
• Fidgeting in smaller public spaces where others aren’t observing you, like a waiting room or a restaurant
• Using more discrete fidget tools (e.g., fidget jewelry, pens with roller balls) or behaviors (e.g., twirling your hair, tapping your foot) in “higher stakes” environments, like work meetings
• Challenging yourself to engage in avoided fidgeting behaviors in all public spaces while acknowledging the discomfort that arises

3. Honor Your Needs

Masking inherently involves ignoring or downplaying your internal and social needs or traits. Unmasking involves accepting and honoring those needs and traits.

Examples of accommodating sensory needs:

• Using noise-cancelling headphones
• Wearing less restrictive clothing
• Dimming the lights and/or lowering the volume in a room

Examples of accommodating social needs:

• Practicing saying “no” and setting healthy boundaries
• Talking about your special interests more
• Communicating in a way that feels more natural for you, such as speaking in a more straightforward manner rather than forcing flowery language

Masking may be a strategy to maintain safety, but you can create the safety necessary to unmask.